


please, please say you feel it too

by angree_baratheon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, and dump them into one setting, no angst except a little because we all about dat fluff, the amount of ''tsukki'' mentioned is ridiculous and i apologise, this is me basically projecting all of the headcanons my mind came up with, yama loves his man so much u know what can ya do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22034362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angree_baratheon/pseuds/angree_baratheon
Summary: Best friend and boyfriend, woah. Tadashi smiles broadly, catching up to Tsukki with ease. "That sounds cool. What does a boyfriend usually do?"Tsukki thinks about this for a second, tipping his head. "Don't know.""That's okay." Tadashi nods, because he doesn't really know either what's the difference. All Tadashi can see is Tsukki's tall back, and his easy declaration that Tadashi can have all the titles of close partners in his life. "We'll figure it out, won't we, Tsukki?"Or, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi learn to like, love, and fall in love with each other over the years.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 284





	please, please say you feel it too

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't listened to Christina Perri's ["The Word"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9tc9R_Y3FY), I do suggest you clicking the link and just [clenches fist] immerse yourself with it. So the full story goes like this: I picked up Haikyuu, years too late, on a whim, and managed to read to its latest chapter with that hyper focus I always have when I head dive into a new fandom.
> 
> For some reason, Yamaguchi's attachment to Tsukishima really stands out to me: I honestly thought they'd be one of those typical freakish duo that seems to be exceptionally talented and be these pillars of rivalry that's parallel to Kageyama and Hinata. I was quickly proven wrong because Yamaguchi turned out to be "ordinary" compared to the exceptionally logical and observational Tsukishima.
> 
> But as the story unrolls, there are more and _more_ layers to what makes their relationship stand out to me, you know? Yamaguchi being able to just straight up call Tsukishima an idiot and Tsukishima taking it with stride is like, honestly, one of my favourite trope. That is my hook, line and sinker right there, you guys.
> 
> Okay now I'm just babbling nonsense. In any other case, I stumbled upon this rumour that apparently Tsukishima and Yamaguchi have been "dating" for four years prior to their high school years debut and like, there's so much you could do with that plot??? But. In a very innocent child-like way. Consider: pre-teen Tsukishima and Yamaguchi started 'dating' even before they really knew what dating was, but growing up learning _what it really meant to date someone_ , and then like, essentially acing stable relationship by being the old married couple at the age of twenty.
> 
> I made my case. Thank you.

**confession**. _noun_.

1\. a formal statement admitting that one is guilty of a crime.  
2\. a statement setting out essential religious doctrine.  
3\. a statement acknowledging the truth of something.

* * *

**eleven.**

There are whispers.

Boys stop viewing girls as an entirely separate alien entities and, while most remain childish, some start to notice. They whisper. _Akari-chan is kinda cute. I really like how Yuna-chan put up her ponytails. Ami-chan was kind of pretty in that play, huh?_ Tadashi doesn't think much of it. There isn't anything, after all, to think.

Tadashi doesn't want to stand out, you see.

Not so much, not especially when he's had such bad experiences after being branded _so different_ just because he's had freckles and some old clothes. (Tadashi really doesn't think they were that much visible, though he wishes sometimes Mother patches up the small holes in the elbows and knees just like she's always promised she would much quicker. Though he'd never say that aloud. Not when Mother's been getting home so late recently.)

It gets easier, of course—much easier when he's decided to trail after Tsukki since he's found him about two years ago, and decided to latch onto the taller boy—but Tadashi knows Tsukki's shadow isn't always there to chase away the bullies every time. They're not put in the same class, even though Tadashi prays every night that they would.

So, yes. Tadashi keeps quiet.

If only to maintain the closest semblance of peaceful schooling days that he can now that the boys aren't shoving bags onto him and calling him names any longer.

One day, Ren-kun suddenly admits that Kanzaki Aya-chan, the transfer student with the dark hair and solemn eyes, the one who's quiet and speaks with a bit of a dialect, is pretty a few tables over while they're changing for Physical Ed. The chair jostles, Tadashi can hear, because boys aren't really used to such an open admission of affection. Not at this age. Izumi-kun groans, loud and long, and Tadashi can imagine his little nose scrunching up in protest. He's never been friendly to girls.

"Blerg!" Izumu-kun blanches, serious. "Gross! Girls are idiots!"

"Shut up, Izumu. You're just not mature enough." Ren sticks out his tongue, which Tadashi thinks isn't so mature of him, himself, but otherwise ignores Izumu's loud rebuttal when he unbuttons his shirt.

That's the first time, thought quietly, that Tadashi starts to think that girls are— _can_ be pretty, now that it's been pointed out. In retrospect, he probably has always acknowledged that girls can be beautiful. But those girls are always adults, and they are almost always on cover of magazines. Ones Tadashi sometimes stared at when he was asked to wait by the convenience store because Mother needed a few more time to finish her shift until they both can trot themselves home. Girls in his class were always just... _girls_.

Some of them can be very mean, some shy, and then there are so very few who is always nice, like Nao-chan, who once lent Tadashi her eraser when she saw him struggling with a lack of one in their last exam. He supposes, now that he thinks about it really really hard, Nao-chan can be pretty; almost like those girls in those magazines if she could grow up like them and maybe, he doesn't know, grow out her hair? He doesn't really understand, but he starts to watch. Starts to see.

Girls are very nice looking, is what Tadashi concludes. Gentle. Soft, even.

Sometimes they even remind him of Mother, who never fails to look tired and kind all the time.

Boys were almost always the opposite. (And, like a toddler startled by the sound of firecracker, Tadashi remembers taunting shouts and haughty demands. Hands stuffed with bags he never wanted to carry. Lithe body falling into dirt and skin scraping from impact. _C'mon, Yama-Ugly! You have to carry them! We're playing servants and you're it!_ He winces.)

They're over at Tsukki's place one day when Tadashi pipes up and asks, "What... what do you think of girls, Tsukki?"

Tsukki doesn't seem like he appreciates having his concentration broken and his serves unreceived at these sort of questions. Tadashi ignores the look and pushes through. Sometimes Tsukki still terrifies him, but Tsukki also isn't like any other boys. He's quiet, sure, and he can be a bit mean when he doesn't like something. But he's never not kind. Never towards Tadashi, at least. Tsukki finally makes a sound, "What?"

"Just!" Tadashi manages, and while his voice halts, it doesn't crack. That counts for something, right? "I heard Ren-kun talking the other day. She said Kanzaki Aya-chan was pretty."

"Who?" Tsukki is very smart, just not usually when it concerns other people. He can remember a lot of composers' names, though. From those songs where the guys who made them are long gone. Tadashi memorises a few of them so Tsukki and he can make a game out of it whenever they don't particularly have anything to say, and when Tsukki needs the distraction to burn the nervous energy off. Tsukki is usually cool, yeah, but Tadashi knows Tsukki can get very nervous and quiet and he told Tadashi that when he does, his head gets loud sometimes, and that's not good. So, they make that game, and Tsukki knows _practically every composer because Tsukki's just so cool_ , when Tadashi can't tell between one piece than the other a few times. This is okay though, because Tsukki always somehow smiles by the end and help Tadashi guesses.

"Aya-chan!" Tadashi yelps now, hands flailing around as if he could conjure the image if he waves his palms vigorously enough. "The one who moved from Osaka! She's really quiet, but she's _suuper_ _good_ in Mathematics. Almost as good as you, Tsukki, but maybe not so much." Tadashi beams at this, just because he can.

Tsukki adjusts his glasses. It takes Tadashi sometimes but he knows now that usually means Tsukki's flattered, and is shy at the honest compliment. "And Ren-stupid calls her pretty?"

Ren-kun once bumped so hard into Tadashi 'till he fell to the ground, and Tsukki has never gotten over the incident even though he'd made Ren-kun turned around and apologised. Tadashi had flailed around and insisted that it was only an accident, _Ren-kun just didn't notice_. Tsukki didn't care, he said, eyes serious and mouth turned thin in grim. Ren-kun is usually well-liked, but even he cowered under Tsukki's extreme height and glower. Sometimes Tadashi's just so jealous even though Mother and the school nurse constantly told him that he'll grow tall and strong when he's older.

Back at the question, Tadashi nods.

Tsukki snorts. "I wouldn't trust that blind idiot in anything he pointed that he thought was attractive. Stop listening to him, Yamaguchi."

That isn't really the point, Tadashi thinks, and squirms. "Y-yeah, but..." Tsukki waits. "I was just wondering. What- what do you think of- ... _of girls?_ In general? They- are they... _pretty?_ To you?"

Tsukki is quiet. He tosses the volleyball high, though not as high as Akiteru-niisan, not yet, and catches it. His form is splendid like that. Long and lean and strong. Tadashi could recognise Tsukki anywhere. "I don't know." Tsukki says in the end, with an air of finality. Tadashi likes him like this. Tsukki is always so considerate. He may look like he cares so little, but he's never not taken Tsukki seriously. Not even once. He's such a good friend. "They're normal, I guess."

"Okay." And maybe that doesn't really answer the question, but Tadashi smiles: wide and toothy and freckled. Tsukki's frown fades into a softened look that he never really shows anybody outside of the Tsukishima residence. He's only ever shown it to his family, Tadashi swears, and then, rarely, to Tadashi himself. He's really cool! "Let's play volleyball again!"

Tsukki nods and tosses.

**twelve.**

It starts with a spark.

Kiyoko-chan walks into class one day and announces, loud and clear, with a hand flicking a chestnut-coloured hair with pride, that she's dating a thirteen-year old boy from another school over. He's in the soccer club, and they met during one of the matches that she went to when her own older brother was scouting for any high school-level talent. The girls all coo in surprises and pour their amazement while Kiyoko-chan throws her head back, laughs, and fishes out her phone to showcase the picture of her new boyfriend on the phone she's gotten from her last birthday. Kiyoko-chan, from the rumours, has a big house. Her father is a businessman and her mother, the only parent who Tadashi has ever seen attended any of Kiyoko-chan's school events, always grace the hallways with perfect hairstyles and pearls around her neck.

She is a very pretty lady, and Kiyoko-chan, her mother's daughter, is a very pretty girl as well. In fact, she's the prettiest, Tadashi's heard, in their grade.

With Kiyoko-chan breaking the invisible wall which separates children from those who are belligerently working past those titles via puberty, announcement of couples—both whispered and shouts—start to break over their grade like hives. Masaki-kun confesses to the class president, Nao-chan is flirting with a third-year, Hana-chan squeals every time her crush walk pass the class and winks at her. It's all very exhilarating, it's all very confusing.

It is also the first time Tadashi is acutely aware that, despite Tsukki's prone to frowning at every single person he never intends to talk to, Tsukki is tall. And girls, apparently, like tall boys. Tsukki plays in a volleyball match, the same long and lean muscles Tadashi has always silently envied when he spies them in Tsukki's backyard, and suddenly, nearly all the girls see the same thing.

This is fine.

Tadashi tells himself that it's great! It's awesome that Tsukki's getting the recognition Tadashi has always known he would get, but also. _But also_.

It's terrifying. What if Tsukki starts this dating thing, and he starts to— _starts to like another girl_ —and then he'd be like Hana-chan, who is fighting with her best friend, Sakura-chan, because Hana-chan barely talks to her any longer. _You are always looking at Ryota-kun!_ She'd yelled the other day, tears streaming down her face, her cheeks pink. _It's like you don't care about me anymore!_

Hana-chan had been enraged, and her eyes had been wide looking at the crowd that formed, and panicking. _Well_ , she'd yelled back, exasperated. _I don't!_

Tadashi imagines that, except Tsukki isn't the type to shout, though it'll hurt the same, he could imagine. If not worse. _I've never cared for you_ , Tsukki could mouth, and the world would be silent but everything Tadashi has somehow learned to be okay and un-afraid with would shatter that instantly. 

Tadashi doesn't let the worry consume him, though. Well, _not_ _in a terrifyingly quick pace_ , at least.

Until Tsukki gets a confession letter.

It's a nice letter, Tadashi would praise, if he isn't sweating buckets an hour after the fact sinks in when he replays the time that the letter fell from Tsukki's table again and again. It's white and pristine, and the kanji written is nicely done, as if the writer has practised writing Tsukki's name more than once before committing the tip of the pen across the cover. Tadashi might've sworn they're even scented, the whole thing.

But none of those really matters because Tadashi cannot _imagine_ a routine where Tsukki isn't in his life any longer. And he knows, really, it's a pathetic, to be so hung up. To depend so much on this one friend he'd managed to had. Who could even vouch that Tsukki has even liked him in the first place? Tadashi had just introduced himself to Tsukki one day, joined volleyball, and never looked back. Maybe Tsukki has never wanted him around but never knew how to reject Tadashi. Tsukki is always so straightforward, but maybe he'd taken pity all along and had only allowed Tadashi to hung about because there were no legitimate reason to dump Tadashi right away.

Tsukki is kind, after all.

"What are you worrying about?" Tsukki's voice is sharp, and Tadashi knows there isn't a way to let this slide over with, _Nothing! I'm fine!_ because he's flinched and Tsukki is observant. He would know that there isn't really nothing, and Tadashi isn't fine. Maybe the fact he's been fidgeting and sniffling, on the edge of crying, isn't helping his case.

"I—" Tadashi begins, but clams up. He's so stupid, he thinks. So pathetic. It's a wonder why Tsukki puts up with him. "I'm worried."

Tsukki stops then. They're on their way home, and they're walking side by side, across a field, through the same streets they've walked a hundred times over. The sun is yellow and the sky is orange. It's a little poetic, like those movies about heartfelt teenagers trying to figure out romance, but neither of them are technically teens. And they're not romantically involved. In fact, Tadashi bets none of those sappy moments has had the protagonists feel like they could keel over and start having a heart attack at any second. They were always nervous, and it's heart-wrenching to watch, but Tsukki's sure it's not like this painful breathless state he seems to be experiencing.

His chest hurts. God, it hurts so much.

"Yamaguchi." Tsukki is worried. It doesn't show much, but Tadashi knows. He's not as sharp as Tsukki with what he can observe and digest, but he understands Tsukki. He wanted to, and learning Tsukki had miraculously been easy. Simple, almost. Tsukki has his hand on his shoulder, his arm straight: young, but muscled from years of honing it with a sport Tsukki has learned to actually enjoy (though it's hard to admit now, with Akiteru having done what he did), but his palm is warm. Big. Tsukki's lean presence has always been a comfort, Tadashi never would've guessed there'd be times that it would be overwhelming - not for him.

So, Tadashi spills. He's worried, he explains, trying his best not to hiccup through his heaving lungs. What if Tsukki starts having a girlfriend, whatever that means? What if he leaves Tadashi behind because he'd hang out with this girlfriend more? He knows he's not much of a fun friend himself, and he knows he's not a pretty girl that makes boys want to gawk at, but— _but_ — he's had so much fun with Tsukki. And he. He's afraid that he won't anymore. Because Tsukki will forget him. Because what if Tsukki's girlfriend won't approve of Tadashi even though maybe it would've been nice, because Tsukki deserves more friends, and Tadashi knows that. But what if he's not wanted? And why would he be? Tadashi's so small. And Tadashi's awkward. And he's so ugly, too!

"Shut up." Tsukki growls, and Tadashi seizes his shoulder like a soldier being commanded into standing straight.

When he looks to Tsukki through his glassy stare, Tsukki is frowning even harsher than he would. He's angry, Tadashi realises. But somehow, Tadashi isn't afraid of the expression. The palm Tsukki has on his shoulder fade from something intimidating to a point of grounded contact. As if, from that one connection alone, Tadashi knows that he and Tsukki will always be on the same plane. Tsukki is never running away, and he will never leave Tadashi behind.

"Stupid." Tsukki says, fishing out a napkin. "Stupid Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki."

"Don't ever say that again." Tsukki rubs the tears away himself, and it's rough. Tsukki isn't like Mother, at all. He's really a boy when he's like this, Tadashi ponders. His touch is rough, unused to gentle gestures. He must've never had anybody he could dote upon; not like Akiteru, who knows how to be supportive and encouraging whenever he picks up Tadashi who fumbles over trying to receive even if they're not blood related at all. But Tsukki is kind. Tadashi lets this fact warms him more than the sun ever could. "You're not any of those."

"Not—" Tadashi sniffles, Tsukki pinches his chin to hook his face upwards, maybe so Tsukki can wipe the tears and snot away better. "Not even small?"

Tsukki huffs, and it might've been a smile. Might've. Except it isn't - not yet. "Maybe a little small." Tsukki relents, before he shoves the napkin inside the pocket of Tadashi's pants in a way that tells Tadashi that he's responsible now to clean that fabric up. "But I won't leave you behind, you big nerd. Not for any girl. And- and not because you're awkward or whatever. You're not. You..."

And then Tsukki stops and he stares intently, as if debating if he should finish his sentence or otherwise. This time, it's Tadashi's turn to wait.

The tips of Tsukki's ears turn pink. The only indication his stature is breaking. "You're my best friend."

Tadashi blinks owlishly. He didn't expect that. "R-really?"

"Yeah." Tsukki admits honestly, and he's not loud about it, but that's okay. That's Tsukki. "And nobody's allowed to trash talk my best friend. Not even said best friend, himself."

Gosh, Tsukki is so cool!

As if on dramatic cue, Tsukki turns his back, a sign he's ready to resume the journey. Tadashi overhears that Tsukki's mom is going to prepare hotpot tonight. That's Akiteru's favourite, so that means Akiteru had came home yesterday okay. Tsukki never really talked much, not any longer, about his older brother (or _to_ him); but Akiteru's never stopped being nice to Tadashi. "And, if you're ever worried about any girlfriend, don't. If you'd like, you can be that, too."

And maybe there are more plausible and more logical responses for Tadashi to wail and question about. He settles with, "But I'm not a girl," while he scrunches his nose, affronted by this accusation. He may not be as tall, but his body is just as firm as Tsukki, almost! Even Mother has been commenting on how he's getting stronger. Tadashi isn't— _he's not soft_. He's not like all of the other girls. Not like Nao-chan who's still so kind and has found a passion for drawing lately.

"Fine." Tsukki grins, looking over his skinny shoulder. "Boyfriend, then."

_Best friend and boyfriend, woah_. Tadashi smiles broadly, catching up to Tsukki with ease. "That sounds cool. What does a boyfriend usually do?"

Tsukki thinks about this for a second, tipping his head. "Don't know."

"That's okay." Tadashi nods, because he doesn't really know either what's the difference, wiping a snot that nearly dripped from his nose away. With it, he flicks the rest of his worries and anxiety. All Tadashi can see is Tsukki's tall back, and his easy declaration that Tadashi can have all the titles of close partners in his life. "We'll figure it out, won't we, Tsukki?"

Tsukki doesn't answer, but he doesn't need to.

**thirteen.**

The thing is, it doesn't really amount to anything. That is, the declaration that they're, er, _dating_.

Not that Tadashi ever wanted it to be _anything_ because he really didn't understand much of what dating is supposed to entail anyway. (Although, he admits, the visual is nice. Tadashi likes the idea of being something that's the closest to being married and loyal and true. So maybe that's the point?) But, you know, it makes him wonder why Tsukki still hasn't said much about it—he never steers any topic that may lead to them revisiting the topic, and he never acts like this sudden arrangement they've made when they didn't know any better should, like, Tadashi thinks, needs updating on or something.

No, Tsukki takes what they declared and just— _rolls with it_.

It takes Tadashi a while to realise that he'd even went as far as using it as an excuse to turn down all the girls who've cornered Tsukki and confessed. And, now that he's thinking about it, Tadashi hadn't even found out _elegantly_ or anything. There were no head's up, no notes to tell Tadashi that this activity has been exercised a couple of times since the last time they said it in passing that day while walking home. See, A few girls had cornered him before P.E., and demanded to know the name of the person Tsukki's dating. Needless to say, it'd taken Tadashi a few staggeringly agonising seconds to consider that _Tsukki's gotten a girlfriend without Tadashi knowing?_

Impossible, he had thought in that split second. Tsukki hasn't been anywhere active except to school and volleyball practises. If a girl had managed to capture Tsukki's attention long enough, Tadashi would've noticed.

Until, of course, it hit Tadashi that Tsukki must've meant _him_. It warmed his cheeks immediately, this thought, but he stammered to the girls that he didn't know, honest! And they left him quite well enough alone in exchange of comforting their already heartbroken friend. The one Tadashi assumed Tsukki has rejected. Apart of him felt guilty—he's never liked to cause any distress, he's been there you know—but another foreign part of him was... _is elated_.

He tries not to get carried away though, because maybe Tsukki really _did_ somehow stumbled himself into a relationship without Tadashi knowing.

Tsukki hasn't. "Idiot," he says instead, his mouth thinned into that half-grim expression, half-thoughtful. "Why would there be any girls?"

There's a lot of reasons _why_ , Tadashi wants to huff. Tsukki is tall, and Tsukki is handsome. Mother certainly thinks so. The few times they did bump into each other, Mother had never failed to mention it. And Tadashi likes how _strong_ Tsukki is, even if it's not in those bulgy-muscles way that American comics like to draw their characters in. He stuffs his mouth filled with octopus-shaped sausages instead.

"There isn't any other girl." Tsukki tells him seriously, slipping the egg from his own bento right into Tadashi's. Tadashi grins his thank, mouth-full. Tsukki, despite the severity of his tone, smiles. "Mom made extra. Tell me if it's okay."

"You're the best, Tsukki!" He says back, mouth still full, and a few pieces of rice he's chewed flies out.

Tsukki makes a face. "God, eat like a human, will you?" But Tsukki smiles again, in the end, and Tadashi grins, happy.

The egg is awesome; Mother's speciality has always been her soba, but Tsukki's Mom's tamagoyaki has always been so... _fluffy_. Tadashi's really glad he told her that he liked it all those years ago when he came over for dinner. Or else, Tsukki's Mom might've never considered cooking some for Tadashi whenever she prepares lunch for Tsukki as well. Hm, he has to thank her later. He wonders if Tsukki will allow Tadashi to buy his Mom some flowers as thanks.

"And anyway, I was talking about us." Tsukki somehow steers the conversation back, and any thoughts of the nearby flower shops evaporate from his mind.

_Us?_ Tadashi swallows around a mouthful of more rice, and his confusion must've been obvious because Tsukki makes this face like he's not entirely happy that Tadashi can forget so easily, or still hasn't caught up with the conversation.

"I mean." Tsukki stabs his own bento with his chopsticks. "You're - my boyfriend, right."

It isn't always that Tsukki sounds unsure; Tsukki is always composed, always so cool and in-control. Tadashi knows it's only because he can't afford to freak out. Tsukki doesn't like being in any chaotic mess - it makes his head loud.

"Yeah," Tadashi answers like it's obvious, like he's known that his whole life, though the admission is slow. Private. _So, he really is_. He thinks. He's still a best friend and a boyfriend all at once to Tsukki. That's amazing. "Yeah, I am."

Tsukki nods, satisfied with the answer. "And if you're my boyfriend, I can't be dating anybody else."

And, yeah, that sounds right. Tsukki knows so little of dating - he knows if you declare it, it means that you're supposed to only bring flowers and celebrate stuff with them and not anybody else, maybe. Like Valentine's day. He wonders what kind of chocolates would Tsukki like. Dark chocolates, maybe. Something that isn't so sweet. Or maybe strawberry chocolates! But Tsukki did mention he isn't so fond of strawberry's artificial flavour if it isn't a shortcake. Hm.

"Hey, Tsukki. What sort of chocolates would you like?" Tadashi ends up asking, mouth still chewing the last pieces of sausages he has.

Tsukki is quiet, but answers it completely seriously just when the school bell rings.

**fourteen.**

They've been holding hands lately.

Not... _not so obviously_ , Tadashi thinks, because he's afraid of what people might do to Tsukki if they found out (and a little bit towards himself, if he were to be honest; being bullied were never fun, after all), and Tsukki, in return, has expressed that maybe getting the unnecessary attention won't be helpful. "They're idiots, anyway. They won't understand." Tsukki said that one night a week after Tadashi turned fourteen, and they're pressed side by side on the bed even though there was a perfectly available futon on the floor.

"But if you want," Tsukki continued, murmuring. Firm, even if he was trying to be quite. "We can tell. I'm not ashamed of us."

_I'm not ashamed of us_ , Tsukki said, and Tadashi still has about only twenty-percent of an idea about what _dating_ and _being in a relationship_ is, but he's starting to understand what people meant when it came to butterflies in stomachs. Tadashi felt like there might be more: birds and moths and other winged-animals that Tsukki would've known by heart. He'd go through Tsukki's collections one day, just to name the flutter in his whole body. It's nice. Tsukki is so nice.

"No. I think..." Tadashi had squirmed then, a little. It's still so awkward to think that they're - growing. His arms are getting longer, and the bed squeezed them so much that they're barely a space left for wiggling about. Still, Tsukki pulls him in sometimes. Still, they find reasons to huddle close and whisper until one of them fades to slumber. "This is okay. It's fine if we take our time."

Tsukki had smiled and - and this is what Tadashi meant.

Under the covers, Tsukki was clutching his hands and it's - it's a little clammy. Sweaty, even. But it's nice. Tadashi is elevated to know that, even with how Tsukki has always remained all composed, that there are things that gets him jittery. Lots of things, actually, but they are only so few that he shows nowadays. His mom, for one, when she's stubborn enough to argue with Tsukki until they both fall on their knees together and cry it out. But mostly. Mostly it'd been with _Tadashi_ that Tsukki had let his guards around with such ease.

Tadashi felt the winged-animals rumble once more inside of him, and he grinned.

They're not open about it. And they've been with each other so much that a small slip of hand-holding or them cornering themselves together to a spot isn't that surprising nor does it cause suspicion. And sure, Tadashi understands that the likelihood of any loud and open declaration of love isn't something the both of them would ever experience, not in the school they've been going no, but... but it isn't so bad. Because whenever they _do_ get to have these moments on their own, it's -

It's wonderful.

Like right now, just as Tadashi rounds out to see Tsukki waiting for him when he'd threatened to leave Tadashi behind if he took so much time changing just five minutes ago.

"Slowpoke." Tsukki manages, tone bored.

Tadashi lets the greeting rolls down his shoulders and joins the taller boy as they cross the streets. "You didn't have to wait."

"Shut up." Tsukki replies, long legs steady and one hand pulled out of his pocket when they round one familiar corner. "I want to."

Tsukki's hand catches his.

Tadashi beams.

"Want to get some ice cream?"

Tadashi squeezes Tsukki's hand before they have to let it go, because the heat on their backs are unbearable and smothering, but mostly because the auntie with the dog is approaching and she'd recognised Tsukki from when he'd always pick flowers at her backyard when he was much smaller. Tsukki is promptly embarrassed, and Tadashi buys the ice cream for laughing at his boyfriend's pink-tinted face.

**fifteen.**

First year of high school is a series of many firsts. It's the first time Tsukki had felt the true pressure of not being picked in a joint activity. He thinks he recognises the feeling of isolation from a time long ago when he'd started elementary. The first few weeks had been pleasant, and then a boy in the group he'd been playing with started pointing out his freckles, and how weird it was, and then, simply, he'd been outcasted. It wasn't that the volleyball club was entirely shutting him out; in fact most of them had been nice-enough teammates, and Tsukki had specially been entirely pleased when Sugawara-san and Daichi-san were completely supportive of his willingness to sign up along with Tsukki.

The thing is, _it's_ _normal_ if he hadn't been picked for an activity and Tsukki was. That'd been Tadashi's norm for so long, that the sight of Tsukki's back being in the spotlight seems endearing. Seems angelic, almost, like a helpless man worshiping the sight of a saviour. Tadashi would like nothing more than to support. Though it's another case entirely when the whole line of first-years were picked _except_ him.

Tadashi knows he could do something to better his performance - he just needs to find an angle where it works _entirely_ for him.

And so he did, which leads to the second First Time, now capitalised: the first time Tadashi refuses to walk home with Tsukki. In all honesty, there must've been instances where it'd happened before because, as contrary to popular belief, they're not exactly attached to the hips. In the third year of middle school, Tsukki has had days where he needed to go to cram school, and then there'd be time when Tadashi needs to rush home because a repairman or the plumber has an appointment and Mother couldn't make it.

But - the immediate cut of their routine and the long stretch before it resumes is new.

Tsukki doesn't seem physically effected, not when Tadashi is quick to walk and then part ways. Tadashi realises a little sadly that he doesn't like goodbye; it'd never occurred to him that he would bid a lot of them now, or ever. But he does, and Tsukki, as stiff as he would be every time that Tadashi waves and they don't hold hands, lets him go.

Then, the third First Time. Tadashi yelled at him.

Granted, it had probably been a long time coming. Tsukki is amazing: he's tall and he's cool and his annoyance at Hinata's loud behaviour is agreeably funny, but his light-heartedness in spite of his easy-talent in volleyball had been irking Tadashi for a while. It grates at him that there are members, _members like Tadashi himself_ , who have been working extra hard to catch up to those with exceptional athleticism and natural pickings of the sport, and then there's Tsukki, who scoffs at those who tried when he'd long given up the effort.

Tadashi understands - _Tadashi was there_ \- when Akiteru's lies crumbled and unfold.

But Tsukki's _amazing_. Tadashi just know he'd be more amazing if he - if he tries harder.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you." He told Tsukki later, when the lights are out and Noya-san's snores filled the room. From two futons over, Tadashi can hear the tapping of fingers against a phone, typing out a message. A click - sent. Then, a sound - a text received. Typing starts again. Sugawara-san, he suspects. It's hard to imagine the volleyclub members sometimes having this other life outside the sports, but they do.

Tsukki blinks. Slow. And then, quick, he shrugs. "It's fine."

"I'm still not sorry though." Tadashi tells him firmly, eyes set.

Somehow, Tsukki doesn't frown at this, nor look like he disapproves. In fact, the corners of his mouth curves upwards. His eyes, without his glasses, are directly soft. "I figured."

" _Tsukki_ ," Tadashi whines, just because, and Ennoshita hushes into the air. They both stiffen, hears something rustle, before Tadashi allows his lungs to inhale again. When his eyes meet Tsukki's, they're both grinning. Their futons are close: Tadashi placed them that way. He's glad that he did.

"I already said it's fine, dummy." Tsukki brings up a hand, pushes a strand of Tadashi's hair away. The touch there is gentle; Tadashi revels in it. "If anything, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Tadashi murmurs, scoots closer. "Did you really think I was cool?"

"Hm. The coolest."

And maybe Tsukki doesn't wholly mean it, but Tadashi feels warm anyway.

"Hey." Tsukki's voice drifts just when Tadashi feels his attention drifting to sleep.

He hums. "Hm?"

"It's our first fight."

Tadashi's pretty sure they fought over pokemon just last week. For someone who knows so much about animals, Tsukki has a strange appreciation of pokemon creatures. It's like he doesn't even care which is really the strongest! Tadashi crinkles his nose. Looks at Tsukki blearily. "Fight?"

"Yeah." Tsukki murmurs. "As a couple."

Tadashi opens his eyes wide at that, beams. "It is." He agrees, and swoops down to peck Tsukki on the lips. "Now, go to sleep, Tsukki."

Tadashi ends up curled around Tsukki, and wakes up with Noya-san having a photographic evidence that he's a cuddle monster, wrapped around Tsukki's torso. Tsukki, in the picture, looks annoyed, more than usual, with a bedhead that's ruffled enough in a way that it doesn't look too bad, and even charming - possibly just having woken up, trying to scroll down his phone by using Tadashi's own head as a stand. Tadashi is drooling. Staring at the picture is also the moment Tadashi realises he's just had his first kiss with Tsukki.

**sixteen.**

They don't talk about the kiss.

Not until Tadashi's woken up pressed against with a hard-on. It takes him a while to realise exactly what happened: he must've fallen asleep half-way though the sea creature documentary that Tsukki had been waiting for weeks to premiere, and, by some miraculous fate, he didn't get woken up by sheer force. No, in fact it seemed that Tsukki had fell asleep too, his nose pressed against the middle of Tadashi's ribcage and Tadashi realises that Tsukki's arm is _heavy_.

"Shit," he thinks aloud, when Tsukki shifts but doesn't roll away; his own jean feels tight, and it's trapped even more so when Tsukki's stomach is pressing down on it. _Fuck_ , Tadashi swears, because the friction is great, but he can barely bring up the Pathetic Sleepy First Kiss they had, how could he ever find the guts to explain the erection he's clearly sporting?

_Please don't wake up_ , Tadashi prays, and of course, Tsukki starts to stir.

"Stop moving, Yamaguchi." Tsukki seems to squeeze him as if he's an obedient child that needed reminding what it meant to not move and - and this is bad. This is not good.

" _Kei_." Tadashi gasps. "Get off."

"This is my bed."

"Oh my god, Tsukki. Oh my god please, please get off of me."

"Tadashi?" Tsukki finally lifts his head up then and, even through the darkness, it's obvious of the worry that Tsukki wears. It shapes the curve of his brows and pulls at his mouth. God, Tadashi wants nothing else but to soothe them away. He dreams of kissing them until they're settled and they can both go back to bed, but any thoughts of proximity is dangerous. _Tadashi cannot handle this humiliation_.

"Oh my god, stop looking at me."

"Tadashi." Tsukki's voice is firm. "What's wrong?"

Tadashi whimpers, tries to sit up, and stops. Tsukki is holding both of his hands now, the ones he'd tried scrambling to his face as if it could erase all the heat that he can feel rising up to his cheeks, and he holds it with a tight grip. Like Kageyama, Tsukki could almost recognise, when he gets to feel the volleyball right in between his palms.

" _Oh_." Is all Tsukki says in the end, sitting up too, and his voice sounds clear all of a sudden. No more trace of sleep lingering behind. "Do you -" and at this, Tadashi can see Tsukki reaching over to grab his spectacles. He wears them, and continues like he's asking Tadashi to pass him the paper in an English class. "Do you need help?"

Tadashi splutters, _because what_ , and manages coherently, "Kei!"

"We're dating," Tsukki says easily, "I'd rather you come to me with these problems than, I don't know, that Lev guy whom I know text you sometimes."

"Oh my God," Tadashi repeats, just to be dramatic, and then. And then they talk. They talk about the kiss, about how surprised Tsukki had been, but, honestly, he was probably waiting for it. How, leading up to their first fight, he was actually pretty lonely. Cause they weren't really talking anymore, were they? Tadashi was more occupied with training then which was fine, but - it'd been lonely and quiet. Tsukki had thought that they'd broken up, even, and Tadashi rushes to assure Tsukki that he would _never_. Then, they tried to talk about Lev. Tried, because half the time Tadashi's just charmed to know that Tsukki _does_ get jealous. Which is ridiculous, because Lev may be tall and has pretty blonde hair, but he isn't as tall as Tsukki, nor does his blonde hair could even compete. Tsukki, in return, seems satisfied by it, thumb gracing happily from where he's tracing circles against Tadashi's elbows.

They talk about what it is that they really want from this relationship (a proper date, for Tadashi; a proper kiss, from Tsukki) and what do they expect in the future. (Tadashi just wants to be together, Tsukki's plan is nevertheless the same.) Who else knows about them, truly. (Akiteru, because Tsukki had came to Akiteru-niisan when he'd been in dilemma about scheming a kiss out of Tadashi again. Hinata for Tadashi because he noticed Tsukki's present on their anniversary, and had asked if they were dating. Hinata promised not to tell anybody, but Tsukki frowns, hard, at this revelation. Tadashi smiles and thumbs the creases on his brows away.) What do they want now. (Tadashi's erection has long passed, but they entertain the idea, anyway. And it's nice. Tsukki has researched on where he should be purchasing lube.)

Finally, they settle with a kiss. Long and deep and meaningful.

Tadashi curls a hand around Tsukki's neck to bring the taller boy closer and he groans, beautifully, until Tadashi names the winged-animals inside his chest one by one.

"We should've done that sooner," Tadashi breathes, smoothening back Tsukki's hair when they pull apart to breathe more properly.

"We were idiots."

"We were." Tadashi pulls him back chest-to-chest, and Tsukki follows.

**seventeen.**

"How long were you two together?" Yachi-san asks one day, eyes sincere and tone knowing. There is no room for doubt in her phrase, not in the way that she blinks, expecting of an answer fully. Tadashi feels moot denying her in that split second where he considers shaking his head and spewing out a lie, so he doesn't.

"Since forever," he admits, slow, still trying to let his lungs breathe from the intense practise Coach Ukai has had them done. "Since we were twelve."

"Oh!" Yachi-san's mouth curves into an 'O', and she nods, like an information successfully processed. "That's a while."

A short laugh escapes his throat, but the smile that suddenly grow, he knows, is fond. "I didn't think we knew what we were doing. I just—I wanted to be with him, you know? And when the opportunity came, we were just... fine with being—" _Being together_. But they had no idea, those twelve-year-olds Tadashi and Tsukki. They had just wanted to chase girls away, probably. They had just wanted more time just between them. Who knew. "—and we never stopped."

"You love him." She exclaims, and it's - it's like the clouds pull apart to reveal a bright, shining moon, uncluttered from thunder, illuminating just for him. It's so clear. It's so obvious.

Tadashi allows his eyes to trail across the court, until he sees Tsukki's figure: his chest is heaving from the drill and his own quick motions around the gym, but he's never stopped trying to explain the theories behind blocking to the underclassmen. They've got two especially who were big and determined enough to beat Date Tech. Tsukki had seemed pleased when they came to him just about a month ago. Tadashi can still remember his face when he told him that.

"With all of my heart." And yeah, he does.

**eighteen.**

"And you're sure?"

"Yeah." He says, and lets Tsukki trails his fingers again down the veins of his forearm. Right where he'd tattooed, _I am not me without my moon_. He supposes it was more poetic when he had come up with it, but the Japanese characters had turned out neat and simple. It'd been what he imagined it to be. A steady reminder. On his left hand where it's the closest to the path to his heart. Tsukki seems worried over it; concerned, maybe, of the potentiality that Tadashi may not love him. But how can that be? Tadashi can't imagine stopping. "I'm in love with you, Tsukishima Kei."

"Shut up." But Tsukki's eyes are shiny with a thin layer of tears, so Tadashi knows he doesn't mean it. Tsukki is kind, always has been. "That's supposed to be my line."

"Then, say it."

Tsukki stares at him, breathes, and kisses Tadashi. Hard. "You have all of me, Yamaguchi Tadashi."

Tadashi laughs into the kiss, but only because he feels a little like crying.

**Author's Note:**

> i. listen, i think there might be a mix up of "tadashi" and "tsukki" because im a slow asian brain, and i've been working on this over the past three days, so please fogive me and feel free to point them out in the narration and i will gladly amend it as soon as i could. 
> 
> ii. idek from where did that idea of yamaguchi just, straight up getting a tattoo in the honour of his relationship with tsukki but. that happened, yeah. (i might also be projecting a top!yamaguchi sorrynotsorry, though i've never really specified sex positions so please imagine to whatever your heart's content!)
> 
> iii. i honestly wanted to break down half way and cry because i was also listening to _the word_ by christina perri and you guys, i swear, i know i mentioned it @ the author's note above but it really is such a good song, and it vibes very well with yamaguchi/tsukishima i aint lying.
> 
> iv. also also also i am...... so so tempted to continue this because i have this Angsty Idea(tm) where they (dun dun dun) broke up _over reasons_ because i've been reading some yamaguchi/tsukishima hardcore angst lately, and i kinda discover this ONE PERFECT REASON WHY THEY WOULD BREAK UP but it so sad because they both still love each other so much but. you know. Anxiety. but sjdksdjhfk idk man do i have the time? idk
> 
> v. to add to that i: have so many headcanons about them so, like? their relationship is not one-sided. i know it may look like it, and i may also portray yamaguchi to see, like, tsukishima as someone who is "above him" but like? tbh tsukishima is whipped af over his boy, and tsukishima, in my interpretation, suffers from high functioning anxiety, triggered especially when akiteru lied to him? he's been really insecure and were even more quiet and reclusive ever since and only yamaguchi? sticks it out with him? yeah. 
> 
> yamaguchi is raised by a single parent - his mother; his dad walked out when he was really young, like three years old, he could barely remember, but he came back when yamaguchi is 10-ish cause his new wife, tadashi's step mom, is like "yo dude. take some responsibilities." yamaguchi has two younger step sisters and i wish ahhh i could've expanded on this but! alas! tadashi isn't that close to his dad, but the guy is okay now. tsukki's mom dotes the hell out of yamaguchi, but yamaguchi's mom is really hardoworking and nice too. yamaguchi's step-mom is also hip as hell. in conclusion: all girls in this fiction were superb people except i didn't write them much and i :/// wish i had.
> 
> vii. anyways ok enough with my bullshit thank u SO MUCH for reading this whole gigantic emotion-fest i have, i love them, tell me ur thoughts too if u have any about them!!!! would love to hear ur ideas and headcanons too!!!


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